Archive for September, 2009

Sorority Row

Posted in Review on September 12, 2009 by vegabro

Some say that all you learn at college is to drink and to conform. The swamp of society where these habits are most effectively indoctrinated is the sorority. Of course at the sororities, they have different words for this; words like the widely accepted “5 tenants of sisterhood”: 1) Trust, 2) Respect 3) Honor (givens) and 4) Secrecy 5) Solidarity. But can these tenants that are key to surviving in college, be used to survive in the real world? This is the question Sorority Row meditates on.

At the very beginning of the film, a typical college prank is pulled on an unsuspecting undergrad where he is led to believe that a girl he hoped to bump had died. The reason given by the spitefully salacious sorority sisters to give this guy a scare is because he cheated on one of the sisters and as articulated by an accomplice as eruditely as Aristotle, “If you cheat on one Theta, you cheat on every Theta”. Thus the prank begins. The crew brings the sister, presumed dead only by the bumper, to an abandoned silhouette factory to make the bumper suffer over what to do with the body “do we call the police?” “do we bury the body?” he asks. The sisters trick him into cutting up the body. Bad idea. Before they tell him its just a joke, he jabs a tire iron in her throat. Then as if the ghost of Hitchcock manifested itself in a cellphone and began communicating through text messages to the screenwriter, the story began to mirror itself (maybe not as slyly as at the beginning of Shadow of a Doubt but COME ON!) in the way that the crew started to ask some very familiar questions “do we call the police?” “do we bury the body?” Except this time it isn’t a college prank; it’s real.

Throughout the rest of the film, the girls, about to go off into the real world, are faced with a killer on graduation day. Many questions arise as to who lives and who dies as it isn’t just those who were involved in the tragedy. The first death, my personal favorite, in fact is though. An innocent fawn of a lass, who earlier admitted to pleasuring 5 gentlemen callers at once claiming she “has a lot of places that need attention” went to score drugs from the therapist from Requiem for a Dream who she couldn’t find as he was occupied being the first of many tire iron kills. She promptly started downing a bottle of his wine when out of nowhere, the killer downed it out the back of her head. Her name was Chugs. The reason Chugs died is because she was lacking the all important tenant of “honor”. Then there is a shower scene where at some point the line “if you wanted to see a perfect pair of tits you could have just said so” is uttered. Anyway, an underdressed underclassman (or is it underclasswoman) decides to stay in her cubishower out of fear of the clad invaders as two sisters discuss, in very explicit terms, almost every aspect of the incepting incident. The sisters left and SHE got killed. Why? Uh oh, one of the 5 tenants is secrecy. So the rest of the movie turns into a check list until the killer is revealed.

It’s Briana Evigan’s boyfriend.

He was the valedictorian and he explains to her how valedictorian is Latin for “move on” and in some fringe linguistic interpretations “kill Briana Evigan’s friends”. He explains that he killed them so she could move on from the tragedy and start to live in the real world. But instead, Bruce Willis’ daughter shoots him with a shotgun and they Reservoir Dog out of the joint to the worst pop song ever. Then they play the same exact song a minute later in the credits. I guess the remaining sisters, like all our college bound youth will be doomed to live the rest of their lives like it was a college campus and become superficial, complacent, liberal spouting superegos. Thank you Rumer (how about not giving your kid a name that sounds like an involuntary retarded exclamation, Bruce) Willis for killing the only person in the entire movie that will end up contributing to society.